2/20/2014 Conquering Fear; the Mechanics of Walking,

It has been Six Months since my first life-changing hip surgery, when this all began to turn toward the Better. I was so afraid of surgery before that - deeply afraid. I no longer have that fear. Helluva way to conquer a fear, but there you are! And that's what I've been about for a long time now - conquering and obliterating fears. It's been quite a nice thing - knocking them down one by one. I only have a few real biggies left now, and I am really happy about that! Fear serves very little purpose, except to stop us. I'm really over that.

Here are some observations about things these days:

When I move across the floor, I can now consciously walk without a detectable limp - unless I have been sitting for a while and haven't stretched well. After 10 or so steps, it starts to loosen up and my gait at least appears pretty normal. There is some discomfort, and I have to concentrate to make it happen and to be sure I'm walking as well and correctly as possible, but it it amazing to move across the ground smoothly.

If you are properly ambulatory and can walk well, take note of something: stand still, and then, as you move to walk, notice what happens in the flicker of a moment "before" that first step happens. It is in your hip section - in the "core", where your illio-psoas muscle group resides.

It is almost more of a gyroscopic shift than anything - because you know how to walk, and have walked millions of steps automatically all of your life since you were a toddler,  your body automatically makes this motion - you think about moving, the body shifts at this center, and your first leg's muscles move forward to actually take a step.

THIS is what goes away in the process of hip degeneration. The joints freeze, the muscles seize up in pain, and nothing will move. It is the longing for *this* healthy, smooth, automatic forward motion that is so frustrating. Everything takes gargantuan effort and has a high price in pain.

And this is what makes me smile now - when I stand, stretch, and move forward, beginning with the thought, and then this minute shift, which starts with the communication from the brain. It is a scientific miracle, this wonder of the simple act of - walking.

I told my current physical therapist, Ann, than I am longing to just take my first few running steps - not "jogging", or "going for a run" - I keep getting the remark from friends that, "Hey! You'll be able to run a marathon!!" -no. I have never enjoyed running, even before pain set in, and I don't intend to take it up now. Walking? Dancing? HELL yes!! Gimme some of all of that! But no running. ANd in fact I'm not allowed to run yet - not until she helps me gat that right leg ready to take full weight, and they are both healed to a point of strength to bear the  impact.

Still - I crave to be able to take a few normal RUNNING steps - it's not a bad thing to know you COULD run if circumstances dictated the need for it - threat of some kind, or the need to hustle and get some place when you are running a little late… but still - she said, "No. NO running yet! Wait until I help you get strong enough and balanced enough - it's too much impact on your new hips, yet!"

This is a temporary issue, and I am a VERY good patient (She always give me verbal "Gold stars!" when we work together - so I will wait, and not force the issue. A couple of days before that conversation, on my own, I just got curious and tried it -just a little careful bit - and, no. It just wasn't ready to happen.

That same minute movement in the hips happens for running, too,  only more like a hop. It ain't there yet.

I can wait. I can bide my time and get better and achieve this when it is ready, I certainly am used to this. 

Meantime, landmarks and time marks come and go, and life moves forward, and my New Mindful Better Normal comes ever-closer.

Have I mentioned - it's a fine life?!?