2/27/2014 Theatre and Merriment - a brief one...

I'm very tired and need to keep it short - but it just dawned on me that tonight, I performed in front of an audience for the first time in 10 months.
Preview of Cannery Row at Sacramento City College's City Theatre. A beautiful cast, a gorgeous set, and it went well!
It felt great!
My voice was a little scratchy and my throat a bit dry, so I cracked a time or two - but I've learned that that is just what human bodies do sometimes, and that it hasn't ruined your whole performance - and it's FINE. :) I'm happy! Tomorrow is the official opening night - but I had really glowing compliments tonight - one from a very old friend who hasn't heard me sing in years, and one from a person whom I've never met.
That is lovely, and feels WONDERFUL! And I am sore and BEAT. I finally made it by Walgreen's to replenish my Tylenol... my feet and ankles are still swelling, and I hate it. It's not painful, but not comfortable, and looks awful. Dr, Smith says it's natural, but dammit - I look forward to the days when I can get about on a busy schedule and still retain my normally pretty little ankles and feet! 

Lexi has gained more weight - she is up to 6 lbs 1 oz - hurrah!

Jt is on his way to Bali and we had a very merry conversation with a mutual friend, who is in my show tonight via Facebook. Mikey and I were backstage waiting for "places" to be called at the theatre, and Jt was in Changi airport. :)  The world is full of wonder and miracles of science! We sent him a big cheesy selfie in costume, and he enjoyed it, and replied one of himself taken previously - but will and updated send one later! :D It was good fun.

I promised Mariam a ride to work in the morning, so I'll be up even earlier than I meant to be, but I am glad to be of help!

Ok - that's about it.

2/26/2014 FInal dress rehearsal, getting through it pretty well

I'll keep it short - so tired, and a show to open in the next two days. 

Cannery Row is a lovely show - I so enjoy watching and being part of the mix of experienced and inexperienced performers who are all learning together from eachother - very exciting. 

My seat is pretty reasonably comfortable, now. My butt is still sore, but tech is almost over. 

I'm limpy and gimpy, and sore, but it'll ese up once we're performing and have several nights a week off. My feet swell like hte devil, and i was so happy when that wasn't happening... Hoping after this one closes, it will be better again. 

In the next show, A New Brain, i will be moving around more. My full intent is to be doing that one without the cane onstage for performances, and comfortable doing it! 

This one is too hard not to have the cane to get up and down - the steps are so high. 

Electra is definitely improving! She eats like a little happy piggy - hurrah!  And tonight - she PLAYED! I watched her run up and jump her sister! She hasn't had that kind of energy in ages! So good to see.

I'm pretty sore tonight. I'm almost out of the only pain medication I use,  extended release extra strength Tylenol - I am skipping my night dose, I don't think I should have any night pain that will keep me awake. My bum might, but Tylenol doesn't help that, anyway, 

What else? That's kind of it - I was 45 minutes late to rehearsal due to horrendous traffic  -It rained a lot today, so people act as though it's Armageddon and drive like fools. And I was still was dressed and made up and hair done at the same time as everyone else - I am an old hand at quick changes - glad it's not a skill one loses, even though I've only been away from it for a bit. 

We had two BIG Rain squalls go over hte theatre during rehearsal tonight - we need it! and another just went by - it looks like we'll have this one n waves. 

OK - off to bed, once again - far too late. 

Saturday - I will SLEEP!!! 

2/25/2014 Good rehearsals, better Doctor's appointment!

Day 3 of tech week - one more rehearsal and we open the show! 

Its a lovely show, and I'm mostly solid on the music. It feels funny to have a cue sheet in from of me - being in teh band that is totally legitimate. My lyrics are memorized, and I am "off-book" for them and have been for weeks. Anyway, It's very low stress. 

The seating situation has been well-solved. the new chair and padding are good, and by the end of the show tonight, I was doing very well. MUCH less pain and stiffness. TOmorrow I may bring my doughnut cushion, and perhaps that will be better than the folded blanket we're using now. 

The stairs on the big, beautiful wooden Cannery Row set are a little higher rise than most standard steps - sets are built for looks and function, and not scale, being a temporary thing, They are also built for safety, and we have rails where necessary, but they are a little more work for me to get up and down, so I use the wooden cane.

I look forward to the days when I don't need to worry about that at all... all in due time! :) 

I saw my surgeon today for my checkup - two months from my post-op appt, and three months since the second surgery, 

IT was a good appointment. I was a little concerned that I might have over-stressed the joints sitting on tehstool, but nope! ALl is well. The right is well-improved, adn the left is just as good or a bit better than last time it was looked at. None of what is called in teh fields "windshield wipering" of the screws used to hold my socket in - so it isn't loosening or showing any wear! 

I also found out that my joints are a ceramic lined/lubricated socket - longer wearing than the polymers. 

I feel fancy! Dr. Smith was glad to see me, and told me, "I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were doing!" 

He was thrilled to hear that I'm back on stage, and gave me flying colors again. I love being a star patient :) 

It was so good knowing that I wasn't doing anything stupid or dangerous to my recovery - I mean, I *am* just sitting, and taking a few steps( nothing I don't do every single day!) 

And I am exhausted, and need to get to bed - early calls and late rehearsals are exhausting, no matter what you're doing. I am still in makeup and costume, and must be fully engaged in the performance - almost more than anyone for a longer stretch. THe band is on the set for the entire show, first on, last off, and you absolutely must look interested and engaged, and a part of the group in the little microcosm that is The Row... even though we aren;t really character who existed they way the others are. It's an interesting little limbo world - but you just decide who you are in the scheme of things as a character, and interact with those nearby, and never over do it or steal focus. And that takes a BUNCH of energy! 

And so I bid you "Goodnight, Sweetheart, 'til we meet tomorrow/ Goodnight, Sweetheart, sleep will banish sorrow..." 

2/24/2014 Rehearsals and seats and musings

Not a huge day today.. work, busy and the system was a little buggy, but fine overall ... rush home to feed the  cats and me - I had to let the Stage Manager know that I just couldn't be there by 6 - I was there bout 6:45, and they got on just fine without me - the section they had run had no singing in it. 

We are trying to deal with changing my chair - Luther (The bassist, also the head of the drama department and my dear friend) was so helpful  in trying to find just the right chair and cushions for me - it's not easy. Not much is comfortable to sit on for any length of time. 

I think we found something that will help, and I can see over the rail to watch the cast for cues, etc. 

Tonight was Dress Parade - the night when you get your costumes for the first time and everyone gets into costume an comes out on stage for the director to see, and the costumer to see all together and under the light. It is one of my MOST favorite moments in the life of a play. Suddenly the whole lot of people who has been showing up to rehearsal in whatever personal style of comfortable rehearsal clothes they choose, is transformed to another era. And suddenly you see the People of your environment all emerge and come together and become real! It is one of the best Magics of Theatre. 

The band was released early and I was so grateful. I got home, got Lexi and Maia fed, and failed miserably at giving Lexi her sub-Q fluids. I poked through to the other side - twice, And it fell out, twice, After sticking her four times, I just couldn't try again. It just wasn't right. She is feeling much better - I hope I am not messing anything up not giving her the fluids as often - but it is really miserable. I used to be really really good at it when my Oberon was an old boy and needed fluids - but then that was about 14 years ago, and I have lost practice. 

I wish my damned ankles would stop swelling so much. 

I see Dr. Smith tomorrow - all good mojo for great x-ray results - let's see some bone growing and filling in between my acetabulum and the new socket!! And not have him recommend that I not be on stage. It really isn't an option to step out. 

And I don't want to!  

2/24/2014 Sunday off, Social Events, Chores Achieved

A nice, beautiful Sunny day today.

I was less frozen up than I was afraid I'd be, and that was really good.

I had coffee with my dear friend Craig today - we'll be starting rehearsal for y next show in a couple of weeks, and he had a smart suggestion - not only would it be nice to have coffee and catch up, but we probably should before rehearsals started, so we didn't get in trouble like a couple of kids talking too much :D We may yet, but we had a great visit catching up with coffee and muffins in the sunshine (YAY for my favorite coffee shop carrying gluten-free items!)

Then I came home, got dressed in steampunk garb and went off to a lovely steampunk tea with six lovely ladies! it was fun and the food was all GF )Thank you dear Laura!) and a nice way to spend the afternoon. Though,  after stopping at the pet supply store to get Lexi's special cat food, getting home and getting out of my corset was a wonderful thing!!

I did pretty well getting around at all of those things, and I'm glad of it! 

I meant to get groceries, too - but my bank card had been left at home in a pocket - thank goodness I found it! 

Then I was off to the Co-op - another pretty comfortable shopping trip without my cane, walking among the other ambulatories, beginning to ALMOST feel like one of them - and feeling as though I were hiding in plain sight! Yes, the cart is supportive, but I easily move way from it to fetch a needed item.  

Home with groceries, two heavy bags up the stairs on my own and unloaded, I watched most of the Olympics closing ceremonies. And cooked - I realized I'd need some cooked food for tech week, so I made up three servings of chicken livers and onions (and ate one for a late dinner- yes I like liver and onions!) and some sausages, to warm up and scarf for rehearsals. 

This is a tough week - tech week for Cannery Row - it's probably more than I am comfortably ready for, but it is not more than I can handle. 
After feeling better than the last couple of nights, I'm certain that I have not been causing actual damage by sitting on the Stools from Hell - and they are working to get me something else to sit on, fingers crossed that I''l have it tomorrow - and the band gets to go home early, which is great and I am very grateful to the director for it. I think my appointment with my surgeon (Follow with X-rays to keep an eye on the bone growth needed to fill in a tiny gap between my acetabulae and the new joint sockets) will go well. I will tell him about the issues I'm having with sitting on the stools for lengths of time, but also be sure he knows the painful effects don't seem to be lasting o an actually setback. I am deeply relieved by that. 

I was able to find the appropriate hair style for the 30's for my character online, and it took my about 30 seconds to put it up - yup - it works - especially with that red silk flower I keep on my dresser! A friend once told me I should always wear flowers in my hair. :) So I try to whenever I can - I love it! I have long, thick, curly hair which (after years of practice for theatre) goes into almost any style in minutes. I appreciate that!

OK - time to get this butt to bed, friends.

2/23/2014 Tech and the Toll that the Simple Act of Sitting can take

We started Tech Week for my show today. 

If you are not familiar with the theatre, Tech Week is the week before opening  play - it is also known in some circles as Hell Week. . You have been rehearsing actors and musicians for weeks, now it's time to add the costumes that the costumer has been working to finish , and the set is done by now(though we were lucky to have most of it a week ago), and adding props as they are procured ( this show has a SIX PAGE Props list - that is VERY large. )

And this day, known as a ten out of twelve, is the day we spend all day together at the theatre putting sound and light to the play. It takes a lot of hard work and time, especially for a show with a lot of lighting and sound cues. Our lighting board does not program easily, so it took extra time... still, we were only there eleven hours. Bless 'em!!

I have mentioned the fact that, being in the band, we are situated on a small stair landing - about 8x8 feet - which accomodates four people, a guitar, a standing bass, a violin and a mandolin; three music stands and our stools. That is what you call COZY! 

Today, I was able to sit in a pretty comfortable padded theatre chair on the set - it was more comfortable, but not nearly tall enough .The rail and my music stand(Not height adjustable) blocked out more than half the stage for me, which is bad, as I give most of the musica cues, the others having to look at their sheet music. 

The stool I was sitting on was just too hard. I even duct taped a cushion to it... a modicum of improvement... still m hips hurt a LOT after last night's rehearsal, and my bum was hamburger. (That can stop ANY time. ) 

So, now the trick is going to be to find a comfortable chair or stool which is tall enough to let me see and be seen over the rail. 

I have to say that after the first few hours ( of ELEVEN!) , we were getting antsy up there on our little platform. By dinner we were about crazy - i was taking every opportunity I possibly could to get up, stretch, etc... but my feet were blowing up like balloons, and my hips hurt SO MUCH. 

We went to dinner - delicious food brought by many, plus burritos from Dos Coyotes (I ate the filling - hioping not to get gluten contamination from the tortillas) and other tasty items. I baked sunflower butter cookies this morning to take. They didn't have time to cool, so they looked a litle like poo, but DANG they were good! 

I digress... 

After dinner, we were downright punchdrunk up there. SO much down time waiting for cues to be set, and two you guys, one a restless compulsive talker/fidgeter and one 15 - on either side of me noodling around on their instruments out of habit. I HAD to ask them to stop. a LOT. no harsh words, and they took it well, but dear god. the Cacaphony. 

I was able to fimnally just get up and wander around the set between scenes, and I fanally just lay down on the set and put my swollen feet in the air, and stretched a lot and did a lot of my PT exercises. I felt MUCH beter when I went home, even after 11 hours. *whew*. 

Now, I just need the damn chair! 

Thank heavens the next show has me on my feet more.  It's been a LONG time since those words uttered forth from me!! 

OK- off to bed - I am exhausted. 

Boa Noite! 

2/21/2014 Addendum - Sitting on A Stool, Not So Great - Who Knew?

This evening I had another rehearsal for Cannery Row. I am the singer in the band for this show - we just sit and play transitional music between scenes and underscoring for some...

The idea was that this is a perfect transition for me to get back onstage after my surgeries - very simple music, most of which I already knew pretty well, and the only physical thing I'd have to do is get on stage and then back off again - perfect!

So, the band met to rehearse separately from the cast, since the cast doesn't sing anything the show, and we were in the dressing room/class room, on nice comfy chairs... I had to remember to stand up and stretch, but it was good!

Then we started rehearsing with the cast on the set last week. The band is charmingly located on the set, on a small stair landing - really, too small for four people with music stands and four instruments, including a Standing Bass.
So we're sitting on stools. because bands sit on stools. lifted high enough to see over the raillng nad watch the action for our cues, because most of the time, we can't hear the dialogue over our singing and playing.
But sitting on a stool -  it HURTS. and the first couple of nights, I was thinking, "Ok - I'll ice after the show, and rehearsals are longer than performances....
It was pretty bad last night - it almost harkened back to the spring (not in nearly as high pain levels, but an echo) when I was dreading the last week of performances, worried how I would get through. Today I have a 10 hour tech rehearsal - our Bassist, Luther, who heads the drama dept., got us chairs for the long, long day today, and I am hoping that will help... my feet are also swelling fairly dramatically with this, and the swelling had stopped entirely. Of some concern...

Last night when I got up, it felt pretty bad. I am concerned. If I am screwing up these hip replacements and their need for filling in bone growth before the have really solidified and stabilized, I will be do far beyond upset... I am hoping beyond hope that it's just a muscle issue - it probably is - it takes a whole different set of muscles to sit and balance on a stool for over an hour at a time than, say an office chair or easy chair, etc. my hips and calves and REALLY painful, and it has flared my right knee a little (It's been getting better with PT and ultrasound), and my bum - HATES it. I duct taped a pillow to the top of my stool last night - marginally better. At least it isn't quite so apparent thatI am siting on metal sitzbones, now!!

Fortunately, I see my surgeon, Dr. Smith, for a follow up appointment with X-Rays on Tuesday. I dearly hope the X-rays will show great news - that my small gaps between Acetabulum and metal hip sockets are filling in with good bone growth. I eat supplements and foods that are high in things which promote bone growth, such as Vitamin K, phosphorus, calcium, etc. I have been doing my PT like a champ, so I have high hopes that Dr. SMIth will say they look great, keep it up.
And after I tell him what is happening with the stool sitting thing, he doesn't say, "Well, that has to stop RIGHT NOW."
because - I am leading the band, I have committed to this show, learned the music, am learning the cues - it would be nearly impossible for someone ot take over for me at this point, a week before opening.

Fingers firmly crossed for a great outcome on TUesday.

Now, I gotta go bake cookies for the potluck and get breakfast and shower and off to rehearsal in an hour and a half. the time flies in the mornings... and a friend called me this morning FAR too early on a Saturday morning. :/

OK!! Fortitude - and forward, march!

2/21/2014 When You are Better, But Not Entirely Healed Yet - some personal insights from the points of view of both patient and caregiver

It's an interesting thing…

Perceptions, and reactions to one's infirmity, and recovery therefrom.

I know that for some time, the pain I was in was impossible to hide.

In the work environment, there are a few who frown on that. In fact in the world, some people just get very. Very cranky about seeing people who are in pain or have a visible handicap or infirmity in public. I am not sure what they think we are supposed to do - just hide at home, and completely give up the last vestiges of what was are trying to create as a "life"? Just go on disability and get out of their sight, as it is terribly distasteful? I don't know who can live on disability long-term - it is shameful 1- the difficulty in even applying for it, and 2. The reduced amount of money you are forced to try and exist on. It's better than nothing, but hoooo boy did it put me in a hole, even *with* really good medical insurance.

I maintained my professional demeanor here at work as best I could, and I always did my job well.

I will admit that, near the end of the worst part of it, I sat and cried quietly (mostly( at my desk more hours than I care to recount - trying to find a primary care doctor, discovering that I needed surgeries, trying to suppress the intense pain I was in 100 % of the time, or just dreading the next trip to the bathroom or deciding which of me kind-hearted coworkers I was going to bug next to ask to bring me a cup of coffee or fill my water bottle, or warm up my lunch. Most of the time I was pretty stoic, but I know I looked like unholy hell. There is photographic evidence, beyond my memories of it all. My brow was constantly knit, my face had the look of constant tension and even anger.

To some in the workplace, I know it wasn't pleasant. Most were simply concerned for me. A few of the more vain in the office were clearly  not amused. Too Damn Sorry. I hid in my cubicle from judging eyes, and also from pitying ones. Pity is of no use to anyone, Empathy ids kindness. Pity is humiliation. "You poor thing!" I actually heard people say that to me. It may not seem so bad - but from this end of the pipeline, it was cringe-inducing. Especially when you are doing your bloody level best NOT to be a martyr or a victim, all the while confined to leading into any room with a giant contraption of wheels and steel and embarrassment. I did my best to get over that - you just have to do what you have to do, and sometimes you have to pile that thing into the car and go hear your friend's poetry reading and go to the pub afterward and get into a little hilarious, fun trouble when he's wheeling you to the car in the walker, (I don't think it's rated for this use!) and it meets a crack in the sidewalk and tips over backward (ooops.. um, I think…uh…?) - and he heroically saves you from a hard landing, and helps you get up from the ground completely pain free, when almost nothing in your world is pain-free!

Sometimes you have to do that. But I digress. Sort of.

Now that I am getting better and better - it is strange. Good - great!!!

CAREGIVERS - PLEASE TAKE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL NOTE OF THIS SECTION:

Great, but funny. Improvement does not happen overnight, though it happens pretty much every day. One thing more you can do, or do better; a muscles which was too weak and stiff finally lets go and relaxes, and stops hurting as much - and then completely; you can reach something you could not, or move your knee at an angle unavailable before… it is amazing how much "getting better" happens by tiny increments.

And when you reach a certain stage, when you are off cane for a large amount of your day, and can think carefully, and, when you have stretched and warmed up with a few stiff and sore steps and can walk straight with a barely or not visible limp - people think you're all better. And they are enthusiastic and cheer for you and so happy for you - everyone tells you how good and happy and healthy you look - these are all GOOD things! But they are assuming that you are ALL better and not in pain any more. When you are working very hard to walk properly and function well in the world, and establish your New Mindful Normal, it can be a little frustrating, this phase.

It's not that the world has to revolve around me - believe me - I get all the attention I need and then some on the stage (It's not ABOUT the attention, but that's part of the experience). It's just that I don't want to be dismissed, and even more than that - if I am seen walking with my cane again, for WHATEVER reason - perhaps, as was the case last night, I sat on a hard stool for three hours the night before  in rehearsal and I am stiff, or I am very tired or it's the end of the day…  I do NOT welcome people reacting as though I have had some huge setback, or am not doing well, or have given up, or the hip replacement has gone bad.

Two very nice women in my office today were chatting, and I had chosen to walk to the kitchenette for coffee and water without my cane. I could deal with it, and it's a pain trying to carry things with the cane, too.

As I walked by the two chatting women, really focusing on keeping my gait correct and straight - feeling pain in certain areas, but just paying attention to that and making sure I was walking safely while not spilling my full coffee cup and carrying my water bottle in the other hand - they took note, and one said, "HEY!! Oh MY GOD!! Look how well you're getting AROUND!!!" The other said, "YEAH! We just talked about how great she's doing and how cool it is that we can have this kind of medical thing done these days!"

And they were cooing and laughing - it was really sweet - but - almost too much. Ya know? And the thing is, you still want to say - and I did - "I have less and less pain every day, Sometimes I'm still on the cane for balance, and when I get tired and sore… " I feel compelled to make that disclaimer, because I am NOT ALL BETTER.

Why that matters, I don’t exactly know - perhaps because I want to be able to really celebrate the REAL deal, when I am finally pain-free and able to get around as (new, mindfully) normally as  anyone in the room. And I don't want people rushing to make it DONE. I still need the disabled stall so I don't over-do (though I can use the other stall, it's still best not to stress to get up), and the disabled parking spot by the front door at work. When these things are available to me, I still use them - not out of laziness, but necessity and informed caution. When people over-estimate your progress, it feels like a bit of an invalidation. Like you just aren't healing fast enough, or you're faking it or SOME damn thing.

So here's the deal. I tell people I'm doing great, and look forward to when I'm all healed up in somewhere between a month and three months or so… I just do. I don't have to justify a damn thing - and I appreciate that they are impressed with my rapid and thorough healing - the SHOULD be! It's impressive! But no judgment, please. Celebrate the progress, and don't push. I'm not.  I know better.

I think it is - realizing that you DO improve every day, and it has been many days (Six and a half months on the left, almost 12 weeks on the right) of daily improvement - it gives you an idea of the scale of the amount of healing you had to do, 'way back there last spring when you had nothing left in you to finish the run of a professional world-premiere musical, and in that last week, the idea of 9 shows in the next five days made you sit and sob in front of a dear friend… who suggested you use a cane… and when you said, "Yes - very good idea, I'll need to get one somewhere…it'll have to be wooden, since it's a Victorian period show…", he promptly pointed to his right, without even looking - and there, in your umbrella stand with all the prop bamboo canes and parasols and such, was a proper wooden cane… (The Hero, again!)

That hellish week, when every time you had to get up from a chair backstage for an entrance, you had to have a cast or crew member's help to even rise from the chair, and the thought of getting through the next three minutes of walking across the stage, let alone ACTING properly with wonderful seasoned professional actors - when other kind actors took every opportunity to physically support you on stage, or insist on getting your costume for you…

It really REALLY brings it home how on EARTH you could improve every single day, and still not be fully recovered yet. I have my life back!! I am grateful for EVERY SECOND of it all - but it gives me permission to heat apace.

I hope that somehow, this all conveys how it is from inside the head of a person recovering (and recovering very well, with flying colors!) from such a traumatic injury/illness.

Thank you for caring to listen. I hope it will help you as a caregiver to understand where some of the crankiness in your loved one is coming from… and perhaps it will help you, as one ready to undergo this amazing procedure and healing process, when you find yourself getting inexplicably cranky with people who are only trying to encourage you.

2/20/2014 Conquering Fear; the Mechanics of Walking,

It has been Six Months since my first life-changing hip surgery, when this all began to turn toward the Better. I was so afraid of surgery before that - deeply afraid. I no longer have that fear. Helluva way to conquer a fear, but there you are! And that's what I've been about for a long time now - conquering and obliterating fears. It's been quite a nice thing - knocking them down one by one. I only have a few real biggies left now, and I am really happy about that! Fear serves very little purpose, except to stop us. I'm really over that.

Here are some observations about things these days:

When I move across the floor, I can now consciously walk without a detectable limp - unless I have been sitting for a while and haven't stretched well. After 10 or so steps, it starts to loosen up and my gait at least appears pretty normal. There is some discomfort, and I have to concentrate to make it happen and to be sure I'm walking as well and correctly as possible, but it it amazing to move across the ground smoothly.

If you are properly ambulatory and can walk well, take note of something: stand still, and then, as you move to walk, notice what happens in the flicker of a moment "before" that first step happens. It is in your hip section - in the "core", where your illio-psoas muscle group resides.

It is almost more of a gyroscopic shift than anything - because you know how to walk, and have walked millions of steps automatically all of your life since you were a toddler,  your body automatically makes this motion - you think about moving, the body shifts at this center, and your first leg's muscles move forward to actually take a step.

THIS is what goes away in the process of hip degeneration. The joints freeze, the muscles seize up in pain, and nothing will move. It is the longing for *this* healthy, smooth, automatic forward motion that is so frustrating. Everything takes gargantuan effort and has a high price in pain.

And this is what makes me smile now - when I stand, stretch, and move forward, beginning with the thought, and then this minute shift, which starts with the communication from the brain. It is a scientific miracle, this wonder of the simple act of - walking.

I told my current physical therapist, Ann, than I am longing to just take my first few running steps - not "jogging", or "going for a run" - I keep getting the remark from friends that, "Hey! You'll be able to run a marathon!!" -no. I have never enjoyed running, even before pain set in, and I don't intend to take it up now. Walking? Dancing? HELL yes!! Gimme some of all of that! But no running. ANd in fact I'm not allowed to run yet - not until she helps me gat that right leg ready to take full weight, and they are both healed to a point of strength to bear the  impact.

Still - I crave to be able to take a few normal RUNNING steps - it's not a bad thing to know you COULD run if circumstances dictated the need for it - threat of some kind, or the need to hustle and get some place when you are running a little late… but still - she said, "No. NO running yet! Wait until I help you get strong enough and balanced enough - it's too much impact on your new hips, yet!"

This is a temporary issue, and I am a VERY good patient (She always give me verbal "Gold stars!" when we work together - so I will wait, and not force the issue. A couple of days before that conversation, on my own, I just got curious and tried it -just a little careful bit - and, no. It just wasn't ready to happen.

That same minute movement in the hips happens for running, too,  only more like a hop. It ain't there yet.

I can wait. I can bide my time and get better and achieve this when it is ready, I certainly am used to this. 

Meantime, landmarks and time marks come and go, and life moves forward, and my New Mindful Better Normal comes ever-closer.

Have I mentioned - it's a fine life?!? 

2/17/2014 Theatre, Olympics, Felines and Progress

Sorry this one didn't get posted on schedule/in order  - my Comcast service is wretched. 

4:00 pm

A nice, relaxed day so far. 

watched a bit of Olympics, fed the kitties (No trauma today).

I celebrated my first show back  in a full role. Cannery Row is my actual first, but it's just singing soem great little standard tunes on a stair landing with a band - and I love it! SImple, perfect re-entry. 

But A New Brain by WIlliam Finn - a great musical, and it is SO FITTING for this time of Second Chances in my life!! 

My FB Status today (Lots of fun responses which I won't share here, but all celebrating with me!) 

"Ok - the cast list is announced, so I can properly express how INCREDIBLY Excited I am for my next theatre project - William Finn's "A New Brain" at Green Valley!! 

I get to be in this awesome cast led by Jerry Kennedy directing, Amanda C. Johnston as AD, and Peter Kagstrom at the musical helm...
I have wanted to play this role for a very long time, and getting to do it with this cast and creative team?!? Oh, my!!!! What a way to get back on my feet!!!!! Cannery Row, first, and then THIS!  I'm feelin' pretty lucky. Why, HELLO second chances! Welcome!!! 

Gordon - Craig Howard
Roger - Nephi Speer
Mimi - Martha Kight
Rhoda - Eimi Taormina
Bungee - Owen Smith
Homeless Woman - Joelle Robertson
Richard - Scott Minor
Doctor - Ryan Allen (aka Patrick Ryan)
Minister - Mike Yee
Waitress/Nancy - Lizzy Poore "

We open April 26 and run for a month, through May 18, right before my birthday. And my big Dance Party, which will be a wek or two after closing, I think. :) I am indeed throwing an Official Welcome Back to the World to me Dance party for my friends! 

I cannot WAIT to dance!!! I am not a "Dancer" per se - but I love to dance, and have danced in musicals many times. Now that my hips are properly positioned, I expect it will be a lot more fun, because I'll be more ABLE ! I am looking forward to finding a dance class to take - for fitness and agility, but also to hone my skills for theatre - thought roles I do are often ""Character" roles which don't involved a lot of dancing, there are roles I'd LOVE to play - like the title role in The Drowsy Chaperone - which involve a lot of physical movement an d many with actual dancing, even if it's in a party scene or such. One can usually (as I have in recent years) get away with the character sitting out the dance and watching and smiling from the side lines, but how WONDERFUL to not only not have to do that, but be able to fully participate! A dance class or two will help hone my speed in learning choreography, too! 

And - I really look forward to going out dancing with Jt! He is a marvelous dancer.

The production I was just cast in has some dance, but they also know full disclosure that I am still in recovery mode, and I am not ready for it yet. 

I spent some time working on one of the ensemble piece from A New Brain - SO exciting to sing dense, resonant jazz chords, and to know that the cast we have has the strength and musicianship to be able to hold all of our sections on out own! I can't want to be given the vocal part I'll be learning, so I can start getting really familiar and learning this music as soon as possible! Of course there are two great solos and at least one really tricky duet I can start with, so I have plenty to do before then. 

5:45 pm 

I've had my friend Andee over to go for a walk with me - she run/walked the 15 blocks here, goes for a walk with me and then headed home again. We went around two full blocks - so, counting the sides of  the blocks, approximately 6 1/2 blocks, and at a good pace! I was not fatigued when I got home, but was feeling it. I could have done longer. Longest formal, measured walk yet (As opposed to walking to and from the car, around work ot the theatre o a store, which is hard to measure without a pedometer., .I got a free one fro DePuy, who made my hip implants, but it was broken. Fortunately, that did not make the pedometer. :) )! I plan to get an app on my phone that works better. The main point is to always go further, so that my 20 minute walks become the wonderful mile or so I used to love to take - seeing everything in the neighborhood, smelling wonderful smells of the seasons - gorgeously scented flowers, barbecue in summer, leaves and fireplaces in fall and rain in the winter... I LOVE to walk, and it is so gloriously good for me.   

My favorite coffee shop is four blocks, and it's now an easy walk! Next weekend I will walk there to meet a friend and decide if I would like a ride home from him, or walk back! Playing it by ear. Especially after a week of having sat on that stool at the theatre for several hours' rehearsal... oy. 

today is my day off, and I still have much to do - I will finish up the cue sheet and email it to the band so we all have a sheet to go off of... 

I need to medicate Lexi and feed her some more... without getting her so upset she refuses to eat, or runs under the bed - still a place from which I cannot easily retrieve her. 

Hoping to take a bubble bath, and watch some more Olympics. 

And for now - Dinner! 

Later, my friends!

************************************

An observation - as I sit watching television, or talking to a friend, I find myself sitting is the funniest positions, one foot up with my knee bent, or one leg thrown over the leg of my easy chair - fortunately, this is with dear friends where ceremony and ladylike sitting doesn't count! In one's own home, letting one's hair down. But it just feels SO GREAT - to sit almost any way I like with no pain at all! My right is still getting more flexible and less painful all the time, so there are still some limits there - for instance, I can cross my right ankle over the left, but not the knee yet - too stiff quite yet. But I can cross my left leg at the knee almost all the way! 

Electra took her medications well tonight and has eaten pretty well. She is still in for subcutaneous fluids. Not much fun for either of us but she sits fairly still - as long as I can catch her, and between my increasing speed and mobility, and her being weak and slow, I usually do now. 

And - the fluids went very well, she was quiet, though clearly not happy... and ate twice more. Good news. 

I did about 20 minutes on the exercycle tonight watching Ice Dancing on the Olympics and I'm very happy about that. 

The next week will leave less time for my PT between morning and bed time, though I have a PT session tomorrow after work. 

Wish me well in rehearsals! My feet had stopped swelling entirely, but perching on the stool for an hour at a time made it start up again. Nothing dire, but not great. Once we're open in two weeks, it'll only be three shows a week, much easier to tolerate. I am working on places in the show when it would be appropriate for me to stand up for a moment - I have a few, and that should help. 

Walking around the house is much easier. Still stiffest/sorest when I first stand up, but ever better. 

2/18/2014 Proprioception and Felines and Rehearsals

Work was fine today - went by pretty fast - always good! 

My little cat Electra ("Lexi") is doing much better today! She has eaten well 4 times today and took her liquid prednisone like a champ! I finally got her to sit nice and still on the scale  - good news! She weighed 5.5 lbs on the 15th, and in three days she has gained a quarter of a pound! 

I dearly hope we are kicking this issue and that she'll bounce back well. She is a sweet wee girl, and I will be heart broken if she doesn't pull through. It's looking better every day, though! She even rolled contentedly around on the floor after asking for yet more food tonight! 

Rehearsal went well - we are gettign our cues down well - I gave the band a full cue sheet which I think will be really helpful. Our guitarist, Nathan is getting on board with his attitude. He is a jumpy kid, and t is a little nerve wracking to keep him sitting still, not nodling around on his guitar and moving around, tapping his fingers or foot, or stealing focus some way. I don't think he really intends to - he doesn't really have it instilled in his head yet that you are not in theatre to be the center of attention, but to serve the play. If you do it well, you will get appropriate acknowledgment, and applause or laughter... that's where your reward comes. BUt we'll be in great shape in a week and a half when we open.

I had minimal pain from sitting on the stool - was a shorter rehearsal though. my feet are swelling again, most likely from al the walking. I'll see Dr. Smith mMonday for a followup, and I'll ask about it then. Likely just from getting up and moving about more. 

I had a very good PT session today. Ann feels that I have the matt exercises down, and I do them diligently. We are now working on balancing and strength in tandem, to really get me moving evenly and comfortable on the right to catch up with the left. 

I walked up and down some steps sideways, and worked on steps without holding on to the rails - tricky! Iv been doing steps all along (Living in a second story apartment ), but It's still tricky without my ol' tried and true trusty friends, the Rails! 

BUt she gave me "gold stars" on everything - I balance well - I give prps to my pre-surgery exercises on my own, my Pilates instructor and Jt for helping me with SO much proprioception work and understanding all along this journey! 

He taught me that proprioception is really out sixth sense. Sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste - and Proprioception. 

It is your body;s ability to orient itself in relation to the space it is in - in tandem with gravity, the ability to know which way is up, down, right, left, etc... and it goes hand in hand with balance. When you close your eyes, cross your arms across your chest and try to balance 

on both feet, your body starts to lose its balance in relation to the earth- and the sky - you start to wobble and have trouble staying balanced. 

But I seem to do quite well at it! HURRAH!! More Gold Stars! 

This should mean that I will be right as rain in no time! It's possible that I could have eventually gotten to full recovery without the PT anyway, but I know it has been hugely helpful in teaching me what to do to get better, encouraging to stick to it, and then having someone o coach me along and make sure I am doing it all correctly, fixing it when I'm not, for optimum healing of all of my leg joint systems - from the waist down and then some! 

Our focus from here on will be balance and gait. I'm so happy about it! My great care continues! Ann is a great PT, and she is very warm and funny, as well! It seems to run in the profession! 

This Thursday, it'll be six months since my first/left hip replacement! Amazing. 

One more thing - after rehearsal - I don't know it could be coincidence, but I have pretty good instincts - I felt  little creepiness walking out to my car - which was right by the building. I am the first to say, "No ones walks alone - we all need to go in pairs or clumps for safety/"

But since I've stayed a little late to catch up with Christine re music questions or notes, I have walked ou alone (On a cane, mind you.) And tonight I had a creep, for sure. 

Well, one of our young cast members tonight posted on our Facebook Group that, while she was waiting for her ride home,  she had been punched in the stomach and knocked to the ground, but escaped further harm when her ride drove up!!!!! 

 She seems fine - I hope it doesn't come back to bite her. 

But that means - NO MORE WALKING ALONE - male or female. Jesus  - thieves are USELESS. 

I am so glad this lovely confident young woman seems to be OK. You never know the delayed effect, but I dearly hope she comes out unscathed. 

It makes me SO ANGRY. 

And now once again I am up far too late. To PT and bed. Lordy, I am deeply tired. 

Boa noite!

-MK

2/16/2014 Dining with Friends and Strangers, Remembering Mindfulness

Great day. Electra had her appetite back, and had eaten very well, twice by 4pm. Her sister is finally letting her eat in peace. It makes it SO much easier.

I went for brunch with friends Andee, James, Jack and Wes this morning - it was lovely, and the food was delicious - Hook and Ladder was the restaurant - I love having so many great restaurants just blocks from home! Midtown/Downtown Sacramento is my favorite. :) Soon I'll be walking to them again! Hook and Ladder is 10 blocks from me - less than a mile - Once I'm up to speed, that'll be nothing! 20 minutes, easy - I was so used to walking that before, in fact even as recently at 3-4 years ago.

Then I came home and made up a batch of delicious mashed cauliflower with shallots, duck fat and coconut milk instead of butter and milk! A little salt and pepper and powdered garlic - delicious!

It was for a potluck being thrown by one of my favorite bloggers, Gluten Free Girl and the Chef. Shauna and Danny have been doing GF road trips all over the country in preparation for a book they are writing., finding out about the local cuisines and food cultures of US Regions. I was delighted to be invited, an it was a lovely event. A great, eclectic mix of people, all brought together by being gluten-free, and their reading of that blog. great conversation, great food and lots of laughter were had. The day was unseasonably, GLORIOUSLY beautiful - at least 70 degrees - Feb 16! Who knew? yet, it felt wonderful.

It was funny - I brought the lightweight cane, but it was really more a pain in the butt than anything! it kept falling, and was just annoying. Seems I''l be leaving it in the car for longer walks, soon!

I came home to a relaxing afternoon - a long nap, with my other healthy but less affectionate cat, Maia, staying on the bed with me! She usually bolts - but it was a lovely time together, if not quite snuggling yet.

I could have exercised more today.

Tomorrow is President's Day, and I have only a few things to do - a small grocery trip, gas, and the rest of the day is mine for relaxing - I will take a walk and use my exercycle, and do more stretches. THey certainly are still working!

I may also take another lovely bubble bath. Just because I CAN. :)

One more thing I noticed in the shower today - I have had several odd and very rough callouses on my right foot for several years - under the inside edge of the ball of my foot, on the inside-botomedge of my big toe, and on the end of my second toe! well I knew it was probably because of the terrible gait I was forced to walk with due to the hip damage, but they are FINALLY going away - nearly gone, in fact! And now that I can actually reach the bottom of my foot and my toes to feel what is going on there, I can really tell!

Oh, I do so enjoy the simples Abilities. :) Once again, I think it - or really STILL, I think it - how very fortunate I am to live in a time - PERFECT TIMING - when a surgeon can put these amazing devices - the newest-developed, best designed and longest lasting yet, into my body - WITHOUT CUTTING THROUGH ANY MUSCLES ,but going between them - in place of my own deformed and degenerated bones - and REPAIR ME.

And I am able to resume my wonderful life full of friends and loved ones, exciting and social events; to walk out into the world and, just outside my door and down my street, smell the most beautiful flowers and see the lovely trees that grace my beautiful city; and again practice my art, my craft. 

That is some great, big, wonderful stuff, and I get to have it. I am in wonder every day. :) 

Thank goodness I am surrounded by people who share the wonder with me, and encourage and cheer me on. Occasionally I will start to let myself think, "Ok - yes, I'm moving right along - do we have to comment on it all the time???"

And I catch myself and think - "Yep. We do. It's that big a deal - people are that kind to care enough, and that amazed, so it should remind you EXACTLY how bad it was, and how much better you are EVERY day. So BRING it, observers! THANK YOU!!" :D

With that, I'm gonna go feed the cats and try to medicate one of them...

Adieu!

2/15/2014 Moments... feline domestic stress

Good rehearsal - we did a run-through of the show, with an hour music cleanup before hand.

We were missing our violinist, but the guitar player came with a better attitude, and I lightened up on him. He likes to improvise, and that REALLY isn't appropriate, so I had to give him a few small reality checks. I'm afraid he's always going to be a loose cannon.

It's irritating, but as long as he doesn't screw up a performance, I'll let him live. I'm very fun to work with, but if you disrespect the work, I get a little less fun.

I realized that tomorrow I have a gluten-free potluck with one of my favorite bloggers - she and her husband are coming from the East coast and it will be in a private home - very excited that she brought her potluck road trip to the West coast and is kicking in off in my home town (Well - just outside of it! 20 minutes from me!) . So that meant a trip to the Co-op for some organic cauliflower - I'm going to make mashed cauliflower with duck fat(Instead of butter) and home-made turkey broth and some garlic and other lovely herbs and spices. DELICIOUS! The potluck is at 1, so I need to cook in the morning. IT's a pretty easy and quick dish, but delicious.

Anyway, I decided to go ahead and do a real grocery trip, as tired as I was after a 4 hour rehearsal. I left the cane in the car. :)

I only used it a bit at rehearsal, mostly for the trip to and from the car. I'm sick of it falling off the set. Very annoying - it doesn't hang -the handle is poorly designed. If I use one for the show, It'll be a wooden one, anyway (1930's).

I found myself moving through the aisles feeling almost like - an imposter!

A note to my friend for whom I originally fostered my cats:

"Lexi wasn't interested in food - just lying on the back of the couch. I went to pick her up - second time this week her butt was covered in poop. This time much worse - there was a solid poo on the bathroom floor, so i'm pretty sure it wasn't diarrhea, but it was cake. I had to wash and clip it out - she was pretty docile (and probably weak) so I got it done. while I was in the bathroom with her, Maia found the covered dish of food I'd prepared with prednisone, uncovered it and ate about half of it. GREAT. When I tried to feed Lexi again and Maia horned in AGIAN, I bopped her on the nose - now she's REALLY pissed Lexi is hiding under the livingroom table and I feel like sitting down and bawling. I'll keep trying to feed her nad if I can't Ill force feed the Prednisone. Weighed her and with what I can tell (She held still for a moment) it looks like 5 .5 lbs"

This isn't fun and it's upsetting us all. I dearly hope the little one gets better soon.

up very very late, but I finally got her to take prednisone, and then eat a good bit more.

2/14/2014 Happy Valentine's Day!

It was a little tricky at home - I awoke very sleepy, and poor little Lexi was so tired of being poked to get fluids, and having pills forced into her mouth and such - I put her prednisone into her yummy wet food - she had scarfed it that way the night before - and this morning she completely turned tail and refused to eat it, and ran down the hall to hide under my bed. Once there, I can't get to her.  So - hating doing it, but knowing that if I left her food out Maia would inhale it, and she is NOT on prednisone - I put it away and heavy-hearted (Knowing it would be about 9 hours before she'd be able to eat again, unless she wanted dry food, but she isn't eating it right now) left for work. 

Work was pretty good, today - very busy, but I got a lot done - the organization is really starting to happen. But I started the day with sweet Valentine's treats from a wonderful friend at work, Katie. 

Sometime in the early afternoon - this happened and I posted it on Facebook: 

"There is a big grin on my face, for the latest "First Since..." I just went to the kitchenette to warm up my lunch, gauged meself, and decided that i could go cane-free for the 100 paces or so (about 200-ish yards) to and from. I did! Barely any pain, and Instead of a "limp", I'd call it "slightly favoring" my right leg. Such a simple thing- and I'm just giddy!! 

This is a swell day! Think i'll go down to the company Valentine's day gathering without it, too!  **giggling like a school girl**"

It was wonderful to finally take the push to leave the cane at my desk... I needed to carry my lunch back and it was a little too much stuff in one hand - but I felt ready.  a BIG milestone!!! And everyone noticed IMMEDIATELY - which was kind of sweet.  little celebrations all over the building. :) 

An acquaintance commented to my happy status post, "Don't over do it! and did you know blah blah blah diatribe against PBS from a paranoid political conspiracy theory website or other..." This is the second time she's done that. If she wants to share something with me, just bloody do it in an original post - but do NOT pee in my punchbowl and bring negative BS into a celebratory thread. This is also the second time I've told her not to do it, and why I had deleted her post. If she does it again, I will delete her. I barely know her from high school or something. I am not an unkind person, but 1 - do not assume that my PROGRESS is over doing it - especially when I have been posting often about NOT over-doing it and finding the balance... and 2. don't put an inappropriate comment on my damn thread!! 

Ui. She hit a soft spot. It's called Netiquette. 

ANYway - it was a good day, with a charming Valentine's celebration with delicious and varied treats. 

And I ate plenty of chocolate, as well as one of the crunchy and tasty bacon rose my co-worker made for her team mate. 

Treats! I enjoy them occasionally! 

It was Friday before a three-day weekend, Valentine's Day and the internet and the office were full of good wishes for love and happiness and chocolate - delightful. It felt good to head home! 

Came home, fed Lexi- thank goodness she was ready to eat, and eat a lot! A relief. Made a nice little dinner and headed for rehearsal. It was a bit of a tough rehearsal, and I had to get a little firm with the boys - there are about a dozen instrumental breaks and segues in the show which I have nothing to do with, because I'm the *singer* - and they had no clue what to play. It was a little discouraging, as I had told them for the last three weeks, "Perhaps you guys should get together and organize and deal with these segues." none of them had even looked at them, and they were making all the same mistakes - clearly had not even looked at the music. I had a talk with the two younger guys - 15 and 20 - and told them it was time to take it seriously and get some outside practice in. If they don't know the piece, they needed to learn it. It made one of them very cranky, but I told him, "You don't need to get mad." After a bit he shook it off and it was fine. I just need him in particular to step up, and NOT do any improvising. *sigh*. I am puting together the cue sheet for us all, and they can put in some time too, dammit. That said, it's going to sound great and we're going to have a great time - this is just one of the things that needs to happen in the rehearsal process, especially with younger not-yet--disciplined performers (Though the 15-year-old is pretty mature and a great kid.) 

Note to Self- REMEMBER the cushion for my stool onstage! oh, boy, it is interesting to sit on a hard surface - you can actually FEEL that your sitzbones are metal!!! I wonder if it gets to feels less that way? I think so - I think is already has lessened a LOT - but yes - I'll be bringing the donut cushion in from the car tomorrow. 

We ended on a good note, and home again - where Miss Lexi ate another good  serving of food with her prednisone in it. *whew*. 

I have a borrowed scale to pick up at the theatre to weigh her daily and see how she's progressing. She is currently lighter than when she was taken in as a kitten to be spayed, at about 3-4 months. She is now two and a half, so that is very bad. Really hoping we can pull her through this. She is a sweet little purry fluffbutt, and I love her. (Her big beefy sister is snoring away a few feet from me, just now. ) 

I Realize that more and more of my posts are not about the hip replacement experience - but, remember, the majority of my blog title is My Life (Getting it Back)  

And this is what my wonderful life is like! 

(I will still be getting to the Recall issue - very soon). 

I AM feeling the effects of not using the cane today - quite a bit of pain on the hip flexors - but it feels very much like "Working out" pain, not 'Over-doing" pain. 

I am off to grab a little snack ( Rehearsals really are hard work, and I am ravenous) ice down a bit, and get some sleep before heading off to rehearsal tomorrow. 

Good night, sweethearts!