2/13/2014 Bringing Feisty Back

I'm having epic fails at this post - it's the middle of the night - I just accidentally deleted ten minutes writing. Let me try that AGAIN. 

Up late giving very sick kitty Electra food in small increments, and prednisone IN the food as well as appetite enhancing pills, and ringers lactate subcutaneously. 

I'm determined to get her through this Pancreatitis and healthy again - she looks terrible and clearly feels like crap, but she still has some spark. I hope she pulls through - she is a little sweet heart. 

Tomorrow or this weekend I will talk here about hip replacement recalls - to reassure you that no matter whet anyone tells you or what you hear - the hip you will receive in your surgery (If you are about to get one) is safe, and they pull recalled prostheses off the market immediately. 

But it was because of a conversation with Jt about the subject wherein I stated my case when he brought it up - really, I think, looking at it in a fair and balanced way... 

a good conversation! And then he called me feisty! :) 

and I quote " Madjafeisty too!"

I told him that I'm bringing feisty back - and that hip prostheses are infused with a slow-release chemical, "Feistilin" :D

(That is a joke - for the record. They are just good metal and low wearing polymers. You're all good. and so am I !!!)

It was a fun conversation, and I really do feel my mojo flooding back!

That said - in the show I'm in, the band (I'm the singer) joined the actors onstage on our very col set today, and started the process of integrating into the actin that they have been rehearsing all these weeks while we worked on music in the dressing room.

It well fairly well, particularly for a first rehearsal with them.

The only thing is - I sit on a stool- the one i sat on was metal tonight... I will need a cushion, in a big way. My poor bum!!

I will lso be glad for the fact that the band is in character as part of the milieu of Cannery Row - I can stand up and stretch, lean over the edge of our platform, which is a great stair landing at the stage left side of the stage - they were thinking, and put a rail on the backstage stairs! :) I am truly grateful for that. It isn't always the case!

But OH, my achin' metal Sitzbones!!! ouch ouch. ANd with all the kitty maintenance, I really did not have a chance to ice. Wish me luck for tomorrow. VERY grateful that it's Friday - AND a three day weekend! Hurrah!

Oh! Another hip surgery person came into my circle! A friend's aunt broke a hip and is having surgery tomorrow. I was able to reassure her that I have not only experience with my planned hip replacements, but also my dear friend Deb's two broken hips (Cancer drugs/brittle bones.) I did not mention that Deborah died in October, as it was irrelevant to the issue - she died of brain cancer, not the hip surgeries. But, if they need some hand holding and reassurance, I am here for them to contact.

Every time I can help anyone to feel less fear and worry for themselves or a loved one, I feel that I am paying forward SO MCUH I have received in so many ways... and I know what it's like to get some good information and knowledge and suddenly feel encouraged and the fear falls away. This is awesome!

That's about all I've got. I'm an hour later at getting the lights out that I had truly hoped - but there it is.

G'night, luvs!

2/11/2014 and 2/12/2014 general life goings-on and a little insight

12/11/2014 and 12/12/2014

It seems I've missed a few days here in the blogosphere! 

Let's see - yesterday - I worked, it went fine - things are starting to line up in order a bit more with my ne web platform and everyone's procedure. 

Came home and texted my frend Jt - we've been working on a cabaret for several years, and we have a new perspective on it sine all of this good life-changing stuff has happened  - so we have been trying to find time to sit and talk MUSIC - I love talking music with him - it is fn and intelligent and kind of magical. And we sing, and that's wonderful too. 

Turns out he was in town ( He lives in the hills)! I invited him to drop by if his evening's activities sent him my direction and lo and behold, he knocked on  my door around 8:30 or 9! a delightful visit! we spent plenty of time in frotn of the computer listening to music, and got very productively sidetracked listening to and translating a Fado song we both like. 

It turns out, in the way of the Portuguese and Fado in particular, to be a very dark song indeed - this one set to a very bouncy melody - quite deceiving, It was great to try and break down the translation - Portuguese doesn't translate easily, and Portuguese poetry/song lyrics? Ui! Very tricky, ad a real exercise in thinking in other patterns. VERY good for me, as most of my life is spent working in very linear ways (Particularly work). It was a diversion, but a very good one, and productive in less obvious ways. 

He was off at a decent hour, but for one reason and another I was not in bed until 3 - and then had to be up at 6:30. 

There was a bit of a snafu with the Veterinarian's office and my pet care friend and the person who was coming to pick up my litle sick Lexi for an ultrasound... I could have slept another hour or so - but there it is. 

However, I did actually chase Electra down and get her before she disappeared under the bed!! Anther FIRST SINCE... :D 

I was of work early for a dental cleaning - first time taking the Clyndimycin antibiotic (one dose, two pills) for an invasive procedure. I was a little worried about the possible side effect of diarrhea, but so far no signs. I can really do without it - I made sure to take metamusil the last few days again and it's evening things out. I need to never stop taking it, really. Good ol' Fiber! 

After my cleaning, I went to get MIss Lexi - they had wanted to put a feeding tube in and have me (and her) deal with tat - but no. I couldn't get them to  understand that she DOES eat a bit, and I make sure to give her wet food 2-3 times a day, but we opted not to do the tube - very expensive, anyway... and Janet (for whom I originally fostered Lexi and Maia) brought me soem good "Smelly" whole seafood canned food, and helped me get the carrier ip the stairs time time - I was very grateful! I carried it up myself Monday and it was a little tough. 

Lexi wasn't happy at having been there all day, or the car ride, but shortly after arriving home, forgave me enough to come out and ask for food - in the span of about an hour, she at about one and a half mini-cans of tuna/rice/crab cat food!! She's keeping it down and seems happy! 

This is great news - it seems that the lack of appetite and not eating enough has had a bad effect on her liver, and the more I can get her to eat, apparently the better and more quickly this will heal. Well, between the appetite stimulant which really worked, sub-q fluids and the prednisone I need to give her for the next 13 days, I have a very good feeling about her getting better - and I just can't imagine what misery the feeding tube would have been for Lexi and me - and probably Maia, too! And being gone most of every day - just not a good idea. 

I also crawled into bed and took about a two hour nap. Somewhere between the lack f sleep and the antibiotic (Maybe?) I was just beat. I'm prety stiff tonight because Again, I wasn't very active tonight, so I did do the first part of my PT in my chair in the lving room to make the routine shorter once I'm in bed, and one hopes, get to sleep quickly. 

I have rehearsal tomorrow evening. I could use another nap, but such is a life of a theatre practitioner! Especially when you CAN Practice it again. 

I left this note in a friend's inbox: 

"Today at my dentist's office, i noticed one of the office staff limping *just so*. Only on one side, but once you know it, you really see it. She heard me telling the doc how well my hips are doing (He's also a friend and had seen me when things were bad), and caught up with me in the lobby to say," i need to do that!" . She was just waiting for her insurance to kick in. I was able to give her sm e good updated information on how well they work, how long the new joints last these days( mine are rated for 20+ years) and how effective and life changing it is, pretty much immediately. I suggested Sutter if they are available on her insurance plan, and told her about the anterior approach and its advantages. This is just making me so happy, Jt! It's like people who need new hips are just coming out of the woodwork around me, and I can help them deal with it and not be afraid to get themselves better. I know that having someone at work who had just undergone the procedure about 2-3 months ahead of me was just a great help in alleviating my concerns, and it just thrills me to be able to pay hat forward. Also- wtf, with so MANY people's hips going south on them?! Mine was a birth defect, but - man, what is the deal?!"

2/10/14

Last night's/ early this morning's fb post:


"That moment where you're so glad you're turning the lights off before 1 am- and you pull your special buckwheat hull pillow over into place... To discover it has split a seam, and there's a handful of buckwheat hulls in your bed and hair... And your backup bwh pillow is lodged behind the bed. And now it 's 1:32. Rats! Hulls cleaned up, bed moved, pillow retrieved without straining anything too much. 
Sleep tight, kids."

Note the operative phrase- "Hulls cleaned up, bed moved, pillow retrieved without straining anything too much."
I moved the bed. Not far, and it wasn't comfy or easy, but I did. 

Worked today, off early to take my little cat Electra to the vet. She's lost terrible weight- food changes didn't help. Might be pancreatitis... Hoping it's treatable and not too late. :/ she had an appetite booster, and she's eating now... Fingers crossed for my sweet little cuddler. 
I carried her crate up the steps on my own- awkward and not easy, but i did it. Oof. 

I'm a bit tired and sore today. Some of the exercises pt Ann gave me are painful because the involve standing on one foot and balancing. When i take the weight off the foot, that hip's muscles REALLY spike pain while they are relaxing.  Ow ow ow! 
I hate this. It's the only thing that really makes my drive for doing my pt tough.
And it niggles a little in the back of my mind... Those acetabulae with the tiny gaps between them and the artificial socket which, if the bone doesn't gow in, can rock loose, and that's very bad. NO REVISIONS.

What do do? (Stretch as much as possible)  What not to do? (Maybe not push those one-footed balance exercises as much, or do them with more support) (Also, stop cutting back on Tylenol for a few days. Gotta control the pain levels - I've been taking just one, or skipping the afternoon dose). 
Should i use the cane more in the house? I so don't want to. Is that stupid? I don't know. It's a dilemma, certainly. What do I push, and what am I not pushing enough? I have to wait til next week to talk the Ann, because the were filled up this week. 
This will probably improve in the next day or two... It usually does.

I'm not SUPER down, just - tired, and wondering, and a little sore. Not stretching enough this evening, I expect. Into bed, do my PT - the backup pillow is holding up fine, so fingers crossed - lights out in the next 20 minute s- before 1 am. (I am such an actor. We don't sleep before midnight, at least.) 

2/9/2014 Theatre news, a good day and a little TMI digestive issue information...

Sunday - Meant to have a walk with Marian at noon, but she didn't have rain gear, and then I realized I needed to get ready for my audition at 2:00, so, better not to get soaked again after all.

I made a rookie move and didn't look for my sheet music until shortly before leaving - My habit is to keep my "Book" - a singer's current audition and cabaret pieces they are working on - in my car, so I always know it's there, and always have it t the ready (And can't forget it! ). 

But - I changed cars after mine died in April, and then I had friends and family helping me clean up and organize the place before surgery. This in and of itself is *Great*! I am deepy grateful for the generous help I received, largely from Mariam and then Toni, but from several other loverly peopel, when I couldn't get around in my own hoe... But - this is why I couldn't find my music! 

After a goodly search and then one more look, VOILA! I found it - *after* a mildly paniced call to the usic director, and he was able to find it - but didn't need it after all! 

I arrived a few minutes late, due to turning the wrong way a couple of times, but it wasn't too bad and they forgave me. The audition went wonderfully well. I'm pretty sure I will be playing the role and I am very excited about it!  Time to be getting back to meaty roles again! I had worked very hard to achieve the roles I have gotten over hte more recent years, paid my dues as it were, and even am deeply fortunate enough to sometimes be called to do a role without auditioning. That is not to be taken for granted. Suddenly, to be set back so far and not only have directors concerned that I might not have the ability or stamina to performa a role, but then to be completely unable to performa at all (Save for a few poetry readings), this is a great step to re-establishing myself. I have worked hard to let directors know I will be back to my fighting energy, and much more (and now almost am there). SO - this is a lovely shot in the arm! 

Official auditions are this weekend, but they were kind enough to let me audition privately. I hope there is a lovely turnout of strong actors to fill in the cast. The music is very challenging - which I LOVE -  and absolutely wonderful! 

I came home, took a lovely nap- for the first time, Maia - the shyer and healthy of my two kitties - was on the bed and actually stayed when I crawled under the quilts to nap! I was happy about that. 

Mariam texted me that it had stopped raining - did I want to walk now? I got up, shook out the cobwebs and decided that woul be a great idea! We had a great walk - all the way around the S-T and 26th-25th street block, and then half a block further to the alley and home - so, six blocks! 

Mariam is a wonderful friend, and I am so grateful for her. Still don't know what I would have done without her through this whole thing. 

On an entirely different note, re: medications and reactions... I have had an upset stomach for a week or two - very loose bowels. (SOrry - this is a Hip Surgery Thing...)  I don't know what it has been from - I've been eating well, lots of veg... BUT. I am getting a dental cleaning this Wednesday, and I went to pick up the antibiotic I'll be having to take for the rest of my life for any invasive procedure. Two pills, one does per event. It says on the bottle, take 1 hour before the procedure - and that is may cause diarrhea. Oh, swell. because I haven't already been dealing with that for over a week. 

So I went back on Metamucil - shouldn't have stopped, probably. 

However- On the bottle - it also says that in rare cases, one can experience diarrhea weeks OR MONTHS after the dose. And that if it persists, see the doctor. 

I don't feel dehydrated or anything, particularly, but I wonder of this is the same anti-biotic they gave me for surgery?? The surgery information is not on my Myhealth pag -e medications, anesthesia, etc for surgeries and hospital stays. 

Anyway, I am going to keep up on the Metamucil and hope that keeps this issue at bay. I feel SO fantstci otherwise, it is kinds of a drag to STILL be dealing with these issues.. and the effects they STILL can have on delicate skin. 

OK - a good evening spent watching the 50th Anniversary of the Beatles in the US with great interviews, performances, and even Paul and RIngo getting together on stage and rockin' the dump! 

And now - It's bed time. Hey - I'll be turning off the lights well before 2am, even after my PT is done!! HURRAH! 

2/8/2014 A great Day - Rain, and walking Baths - and LL ABOUT the Magic of Physical Therapy!

What a wonderful Saturday!!! 

7:00 pm

I slept until NOON!!! Glorious! Then up and about slowly, and my friend Mariam came to go shopping otgether at Trader Joe's - not because I need it - but because she's my friend, and it's more fun to shop with a friend! 

We shopped all around the store, and I pushed the basket for a little support - but I coudl walk over and pick up anything I needed without bothering with my cane - i LOVE this. A little pain, still - but less allll the time! 

And then I took Mariam home, and came home and brought up four bags of groceries by myself - easily! 

I still put them on the stairs and walk up a few steps, move the bags and repeat - but actually, I did carry one of them in one hand all the way! I LOVE progress! 

Then I relaxed, watched a wonderful PBS program on travel potography, made a delicious late brunch. 

Then I read ,my niece's blog post about taking her delightful 18 month-old Avery out for a walk in the rain, even though in LA during a recent drought time they were not well-prepared with rain gear. SO in a hoodie and fuzzy boots, knowing they'd get nice and drenched ,they went out on a rainy adventure and had a BLAST! Of course, science is proving that playing in the rain does NOT cause illness, and she pointed out that it probably puts hours ONTO your life! I agree! 

So-inspired, I put on a hoodie and my shoes and headed out in the early evening for a wonderful drenching walk myself! I am so stable on the lightweight cane now and I went a bit over FIVE blocks in the lovely, even pour - it was FANTASTIC! 

I have *ALWAYS* loved walking in the rain - it gives me an exhilaration and joy different from anything else. ANd it has been so, so VERY long since I could do it - and tonight was the NIGHT! It was GLORIOUS! I took some wonderful photos, and came home soaked and DELIGHTED!! 

I plan to take a bubble bath, too, though now it will have to wait until after dinner, but it has been SO long since I could get in and out of a tub safely and without terrible pain, I cannot wait! :) 

 11:28 pm

After come writing, preparing a song or two for an audition tomorrow, a lovely dinner of broiled lamb chop with mint, and brussels sprouts sauteed with a little minced pork belly and shallots) and watching some Olympic ice skating, 

I braved it. Did some stretches and exercises, and filled the tub. Tossed in a LUSH bath melt and let it get nice and full... and though I was a *little* stiff getting over the edge of the bathtub (very active day!)  - in I went, and gingerly lowered myself in. The tub grab bar is still very useful! 

I had a lovely, fragrant, long soaking back, and the only things that got be out was the water cooling down. So - I got myself sitting up right ,turn a bit to the side, got me left knee easily, painlessly under me - and for good safety measure, I put a hand towel in the bottom of the tub - 

and promptly got up onto my feet - not needing the towel (I have good non-skid strips on the bottom of the tub), and just got on up, easy as you please! Paying careful attention to everything all the way, of course. Out of the tub, dried off and smelling delicious, of vanilla and sandalwood notes. Glorious! 

Walking in the rain and a hot bath - two more wonders I have BACK in my life! 

Here is a Very Important Thing for you to consider and to know - and it may help a LOT if you are worried about this hip replacement thing. 

I reported to my friend what a good day it had been and the latest new abilities. 

he said, "See? Learn, do the work, raise the bar, improvement is inevitable."

My response: "I love it so! After years of believing what I was doing would help, and it would help- a little- and then it would recede and worsen, and it was so frustrating?? This- though of course I know why I wasn't actively improving, before - this feels like magic, as it works, because it DOES, indeed work! (When you're not walkin' around on bone stumps!!!) I tell you, because doing the work, even though I'm doing it correctly and not skipping pt, etc. -(ie, not slacking or being lazy) feels so comparatively easy - "suddenly" regaining an ability to the repertoire really is like magic! I really love the 'magic'. "

For SO many years I tried so many things to improve the increasing pain and stiffness of my hips - all of the helped *some* - Pilates physical therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, massage, exercise bike, etc.

But they would help a little and then I would just get worse eventually. Because of course I had undiagnosed hip dysplasia and arthritis and NO cartilage left - and a goodly bit of bone was gone, too. 

Pain just increased, I gained weight for the inactivity, the pain hormones kept me from getting any weight off if I DID diet or find any way at all that I could move (THough at the end there was nothing I could do).

So - BEFORE your surgery, look up the Physical Therapy exercises you will have to do after surgery. Start doing them NOW to increase your strength! They are done prone on your bed, and you shoudl be able to do them. I was able to, as disabled as I was by then - only able to "walk with a walker, barely able to stand at all, and never for more than a few seconds at a time. SO start them NOW - at least twice a day! They take, maybe 10 minutes! 

You will have a wonderful head start on your recovery, with your stronger muscles - and your physical therapist will be impressed ;) and will really be able to work with you to get you moving immediately. Don't be afraid of that. It really is true, that when your wake up from surgery and they get you to your room, and then the PT comes in the afternoon to get you on your feet, you will be a little scared, but when youDO get up that first time, you'll think, "Hey - that surgery smarts!" and then. "Oh - my god... the PAIN IS GONE." And the stronger you can get those muscles, using those gentle bed physical therapy exercises, the better it will be! 

It will require some patience, particularly on days when it feels that you have *not* iproved. But then, do *another* set of the exercises! 

When you are done with surgery, you will see that magical thing - that doing your exercises, faithfully, without fail (and we are lucky, because this surgery carries SO much less post-op pain that many others do!) will show you improvement = almost every, single day. And the pain you might feel is going to be the muscles getting stronger and improving - it no longer means you are getting damaged, the way it was before surgery!! 

The daily improvements I experience - sometimes several in a day! - really do feel like magic, It realllly truly does work! 

After surgery, as time goes by, your physical therapist will give you more and more exercises as you are more and more able to do them. Add them to your routine, and do them, Write them down if you are having trouble remembering all of them - I have to! 

So, go - look up and start doing those exercises right now! If your medical group or doctor doesn't have videos available online, go look them up on youtube! "Anterior Hip Replacement physical Therapy exercises" 

Or, if you are not having the anterior approach, just "Hip Replacement physical Therapy exercises"

You are MOST welcome! 

2/7/2014 a Long Day, and a Great Conversation

2/7/2014

I worked hard at work today - the chaos is still swirling, but I got some things cleared up and moving forward.

Stopped at my pharmacist's - a Rite Aid - to pick up my refill of BP medication, and a one-dose anti=biotic to take for my dental cleaning net week. Two pills, taken an hour before any invasive procedure. For the rest of my life. Interesting. Having something that you need to do "for the rest of my life". 

Not a big deal - except one thing it warns again as is possible diarrhea. oh, joy. Because I haven't been experiencing THAT for the last week (But I have). 

Ah well. Probiotics and Metamucil are my friend. That's the last thing yu want when you;re sitting in the dentist's chair getting a cleaning. 

A Good Thing, though - there had been a spill of Moroccan Hair right in front of the Pharmacy window a few minutes before I arrived - they were cleaning it up, but it was still in progress... I was able to carefully, calmly navigate the still-slippery floor without any trouble. Mindfulness wins the day again! 

Spent the evening watching the Winter Olympic opening from Sochi. I strongly disagree with the hideous human rights violations of the regime, and it's pathetic how badly the spent far too much money and you've got dreadfully unfinished hotels for huge amounts of people... 

But the games themselves are a coming together, and a forgetting of conflict. The opening ceremony is beautiful and it was very well done. 

I am terribly tired - a lot of action this week, and not enough sleep - I am delighted to sleep in tomorrow - just need to run a few errands in the afternoon, and work on some music. 

I had a great conversation online with Jt, and I'll share it here. If you are undergoing this process, this might help you. Also, He;'s a pretty great guy. 

MK: "In Today's blog bost, I said, 'I feel like my own hero.'

And I do. I have a lot of heroes these days - people like you, who have been so kind and selfless in helping me through this epic journey. But I came to a lil' epiphany - It has really hit me that I was really, reallllly in bad shape, You can't really see it until you some back out of it, perhaps. But I'm my own hero, too. I love how well I'm taking care of myself, and how well my beloveds have taken care of me while I couldn't quite manage it alone. "

Jt: "... and keep it up! You can and should be in a constant state of improvement."

MK: "Yes! Thank you! (It isn't meant in and egotistic manner at all, by the way - but I suppose you already got that ).

I really am, and don't plan to stop when my hips have healed and the pain is gone. That's kind of the jumping- off point. I am feeling my ab muscles engage in a way that I have never felt before- in simple actions such as just driving the car. There's a deep strengthening happening, and it's pretty thrilling. Profound."

Jt: "Ab muscles may be the most important support muscles in the body."

MK: "As I am coming to understand! My carriage is ENTIRELY different - you may have noticed. part of that is from the new hips which rotate fully now, but a great deal of it is the infrastructure - abs, and those ever-lovin' iliopsoas groups!"

Jt: "There are consequences for improvement. Your carriage IS entirely different."

MK: "Isn't it amazing?? I catch myself in a mirror now and then and just - stare. It's like someone else in my reflection.

ANd I'm actually taller - only 1/4" - but - trippy!!!

OK - well I'm still avoiding tripping... but - well you know..."

Jt:"That kind of 'oops' moment? * Yes, I can imagine trying to avoid one of those."

MK: " YES. One "oops" moment was good for a lifetime!!!

(I don't think we could re-create that if we tried for a week!!) That one precaution for anterior H.R. - "Don't fall." I can do that. Only ONCE have I nearly tripped since surgery - the newly refurbished theatre at City College has BIG GIANT HUGE doors! VERY hard to open! So I gave the one going into the hall a BIG push, and as I was bringing my cane under to clear the door as it closed - hard to describe, that - but it caught the tip of hte cane and damned near sent me ass-over-tea-kettle! But I caught myself, and the adrenaline rush was gone in - oh - a hour! (Really, just five minutes, though). Good to know I can catch myself and correct, and also - I know I could get up from the floor if I had to! Still - no more 'oops'. " 

* There is a very funny story about this little joke of ours, involving my rolling walker and a trip up a bumpy sidewalk, and i thought I had posted it - apparently not, but I will soon!

This exchange kind of says everything I wanted to say for this day!

2/6/2014 My Own Hero

Very sleepy today - I'm getting this written a bit earlier instead of waiting until I dawdle to be - in hope that I might actually get to bed at a decent time. 

Letting myself get back to the habit of sleeping to few hours isn't great. It's kind of how I live because I am my best at night,  but it's not great. Particularly because I have a day job. 

But - today I got around pretty well - a little sore from the PT and walking around the school for rehearsal yesterday, but not bad - kept getting up to stretch - 

though for a few hours this afternoon, I was antsy at my desk - a little uncomfortable and squirmy. Just wanted to move around and was really sick of sitting at my desk staring at the computer. 

Currently with the turnover of new web platform and also the new year of events to be added to the web, it is a goodly bit more chaotic than I prefer. Once I get grooved into the process, I like hte flow of work, but when it is hitchy and jerky (OOPS We found this procedure we need to follow for each website - have to ga back and clean up the 15 sires we have already entered... this nusiness division needs this procedure, but this one doesn't, except when... " new rules to commit to memory, because haivng to look them up in the write-up is fairly miserable and very slow. 

Just a time of adjustment, which is made a little more irritating my fatigue and creakiness if I don't get up and MOVE, and frequently. 

Came home, had a lovely catch-up chat with my sister Toni on the phone- it looks more and more like she will likely move back to this coast from Colorado. We are happy about that, her three sibling who live here! 

Scarfed dinner, realizing at the last minute that I had scheduled a costume fitting with the costumer at 7 - moving up my rehearsal call by half an hour, I was late, but she was very patient. 

Rehearsal went well, if a little slowly. Sometimes it is a little like herding cats - but we get it done, and we are beginning to really come together and sound good! 

Not bad for a diverse band - 15 year old Tylen on violin, 19-or-20-something Nathan on guitar, grownup Luther on Bass, which he is just now learning, and doing beautifully! - and lil' ol' me on vocals. I've sort of fallen into the sort of Assistant Stage Manager -ish role, since I've done a lot of music/script coordinating, and I can have the script in front of me while they are reading the music and coordinate what will be happening onstage with approximately what our cues will be. I like how we all work together. 

I parked a little closer to the theatre than last night, and a walk was a little short into the theatre (Not all the way to the main auditorium), which was nice. 

I'm pretty beat - but I am always reminding myself now - a long walk or standing longer than I am used to makes me physically stronger - it doesn't break down or damage anything at all, now that I am repaired! It is such a freeing, strong and healthy mindset! 

I feel like my own hero. I was looking back today, thinking about having had to live my life with a walker - having had no choice. I just bit the bullet, sucked it up and went as many paces as I could, socially, to keep from feeling shut out or cut off from my own life and my friends and the theatre. The places I rolled that little thing - it really got me over some serious terrain (Some of which at the time I wasn't sure I'd have chosen had I know what it would be like, but nothin' killed me!). 

But looking back, now that I am standing tall (increased from 5' 2 3/4" to 5'3'!), walking pretty steadily - soon to get away from walking with a cane and I cannot wait for the day, whether it is weeks or months away - that I am free from the pain involved in this whole process - from hip to ankle in various and sundry places.. (I even broke one of the welds on it, and repaired it with epoxy and gorilla tape!) 

looking back on the days I was living in the world with the walker, I had kind of a back-reaction... almost like a mild PTSD reaction or something!! I never (well ,very rarely) let it hurt my pride or make me feel self-concious or humiliated to simply be in need of assistance to walk around in the world - then. 

But today, I was suddenly a little overcome by a feeling of - hmmmm... it's hard to describe - sort of "Good lord. I was hunched over in pain, rolling around the world with a grimace - thank god more people didn't express pity - I might have had to punch someone - or at least cried. And I did plenty of that anyway, but mostly because of pain and frustration or fear. 

I'm not sure *what* the feeling was... It may just sort of be delayed shock at realizing how really, REALLY terrible it was before my first surgery. I hear myself telling stories - the one where I was sitting talk to Jt the week before my show, "A Little Princess" - at a professional theatre company, no less  - and I realized I had NINE SHOWS to tdo in the next FIVE days... and I just sat and wept. I had NO idea how I was going to get through it, He suggested a cane - I admitted I really should get one... and without looking, he points to his right and follows his hand with his eyes and says, " There's one!" - I keep an umbrella stand full of prop umbrellas, parasols and - Canes! *whew*.  

But - I hear myself telling many stories like that, and I just think - that - is HORRIBLE!! but - it as my LIFE. 

Perhaps it's because, as much as my friends were careful not to let me see pity, or worry or such, now they are talking about 'Oh my god!! You look SO happy, healthy, and able - look how great you are moving, and how fast you're getting around! After so long being in such pain, you could see how bad it was." 

And it points up what a wreck I was and how very nearly I lost this really wonderful life I live. 

I know people cope with that all the time - I have more than one friend who lives with this - one of whom just died. But I get to get it back. I remember many, many times over several years, thinking, "I can barely walk from the bed to the bathroom, and it's so painful - how the hell am I going to LAST!? I plan on living a long life - how will I get by, how will I grow old and continue to live my life?!? It haunted me for a long time. 

I guess I'm trying to say how grateful I am that they soldiered up and helped me get around - no one ever seemed embarrassed to be with the gimp - and they were all so game to help byt hauling the walker out of the back of the car, drive and drop me at the door where we were going, park and fetch the car; to carry my groceries or mail up the stairs, and the trash down; to take all my laundry and wash it - loads and loads and loads of it! - to run a vacuum for me, and clean and fix things and go to the store for me... all the incredibly kind things they did for me while I was laid so low, and how they lifted my spirits. 

And here I am. The rolling walker is still in the back of my Rav, ready to return to the friend I borrowed it from... She had been caring for a friend who had needed it, but had died just a few weeks before I found out I'd need a walker for several months, and she just offered it to me as long as I'd need it. And now I will never need it again. 

The tubular walker is folded and parked at the end of my bed - I will put it away over the weekend. Unless I need a revision surgery ( VERY unlikely, but there are the little crevices between my acetabulae and new hip sockets which need to fill in with bone, even with two crews in the left one and three in the right!) I will never need THAT, either! 

I am deeply grateful for the progress I am making, incredibly touched and cheered by the support and happy encouragement from dear friends and family. 

and I am a tired girl who needs to get to bed in a bit. I'm not sure I made my full point above, but I will probably continue to explore all those feelings as the days progress, and I get better and better! 

I'll go watch a few minutes of Jay Leno's last tonight show - frankly I never have liked him as a comic r host of the Tonight show, and will e glad to see him hand it over to Jimmy Fallon - but it's historical. 

And then it's off to bed for me.